Today its been exactly a year since my ex left me. if i could’ve seen myself now a year ago i never would’ve believed it. to think i have new friends and i’m in love with someone new, with a new job and new interests and new ambitions. my friends were amazing back then, i was in such a state its unbelievable. i got so ill, i didn’t contact anyone for a week and no-one knew where i’d gone and i didn’t eat or get dressed or leave the house. its slightly embarrassing to look back on now, to think that he managed to have that affect on me there’s nothing special about him, he’s attention seeking, boring, self-concious, controlling, manipulative, pathetic, overweight and obsessed with his lame dickhead friends. but at the time i was completely infatuated and nothings ever hit me harder than when i lost him, i don’t get upset about losing him and missing him anymore, i just get upset to think of the state i was in. we met up when he broke up with me and he told me i’d do brilliantly at whatever i do, that he’d still care about me and he’d miss me, that i’d find someone new and be even happier and everything would be fine then he kissed me for the last time and then he left and we’ve never spoke yet alone had eye contact ever again. i held onto that afternoon for so long, i was convinced that even though i was distraught he’d still be thinking about me and maybe missing me but i knew him too well and i realised that he would’ve pushed everything to that back of his mind already, he was out with his friends and playing sports and not giving a shit about me. so i counted down the days and the number got higher and higher and i started to forget more and more and think about other things more than i thought about him. that was when things we worst, i did some terrible things i regret so much. my weight dropped really low again and i kept going for 4 hour walks until i got really badly ill from being so cold and hungry all the time. i slept with people i’m not proud of and i made boys fall in love with me so i could leave them, i dyed my hair and i changed the way i dressed, i never went to school and i fucked everything up. but then eventually, after i’d recovered slightly and i’d become a bit more sensible i met aaron, and we met up and even though things were new it felt normal again. when i started to have feelings for aaron i realised that i was never going to move on until i had something to move on to and that was aaron. he’s the best thing that could’ve possibly happened to me at that moment, he made me happy again and everyone noticed. i’ve gained weight and i’ve got so much more self-confidence and freedom than i ever could’ve had before. i’m so lucky to have him, he’s my best friend and we share everything so much that i feel like he’s just an extension of myself. i don’t remember anything about him anymore, i don’t remember anything about the relationship, when people ask me what went wrong and why it was bad my mind goes blank its so perfect. we’re blanked out of eachother lives which is the best thing to do, i obviously won’t forget him because he was my first love etc but i definately want to forget everything else, its not worth remembering. however i do have to admit on my run this morning i went and sat in the place where we always used to meet for a little while and i tried to remember but i couldn’t (probably because if i did they’d only be bad memories). i get upset sometimes still about what happened a year ago. i don’t miss phil whatsoever, i don’t even think about him, i just think about how i felt and what happened and i’m so scared it’ll happen again with aaron that it makes me miserable. the past years been exciting, i’ve got amazing friends and a wonderful family and a perfect boyfriend who’ve all been here for me and made me be able to look back on my lowest moment and feel glad that they’ve all been here to help me get to where i am at the moment :)

so fuck you phil, you always wanted to make me unhappy but you didn’t succeed. i’m the one with amazing people around me and all you’ve got are a load of wankers that like to dry hump each other. 

just ordered my hair dyes, my hairs gonna be so bright because its already bleached!

the most disgusting thing ever is when girls wear loose over-sized vest tops so you can see their bra poking out through the arm hole but their fats hanging over their bra, blaugggggggggh

plus a customer told me i look like cassie from skins, haven’t heard anyone say that in a few months

super happy

had a brilliant day at work!  

aaron took me to oxford yesterday and we shopped for a bit then he took me for a pizza hut, oops. when we got back we went to his and he cuddled me and made me feel so much better and he kept kissing me and whispering that he loves me and the best part is when he says i love you kirsty i don’t know why it feels so good when he says my name. then we decided i should stay over so we went back to mine so i could get stuff for work today then we went back, got into bed, had sex then cuddled and watched roman holiday (think its overtaking breakfast as my favourite audrey film). when i woke up this morning i got ready and then he walked me to the train station and waited for my train with me which was nice :) it reminded me of the 20th december when he says he started to like me when i smiled and waved from the train when he waited with me before work. 

i got to work and emma my manager got me to help her with accessories which was so fun, she was teaching me how to visual merchandise it and i got to unpack things and put them whereever i chose they looked best all morning! then i had one  o clock lunch which is my favourite and then i did kids and mens accessories, the day went to quickly. aaron came to meet me after work bless him, i love him so much :)

my mum said she’ll take me to oxford tomorrow to buy me some clothes i want from zara, yippee :)